Crushed

On August 23rd I posted an entry (Do I Dare) about asking for something that I wanted so deeply, so intensely that my body physically shook when thinking about it. I talked about how I struggle to really ask for what I want because of the number of great disappointments I have had in my life.

We all experience disappointment: troubled relationships, poor job evaluations, bad test scores, death of a loved one, health challenges, social snubs or athletic loss. Disappointment is a part of life. Disappointment is when the circumstance or our life don’t meet our highest expectation. When we experience deep disappointment we actually feel a loss and we grieve. Grief is a normal response to loss. It can be the loss of a home, job, marriage, or a loved one. Grief is painful and at times seems unbearable. It is a combination of many emotions that come and go; the emotions of shock, denial, anger, guilt, depression, and acceptance.

I dared to ask for a deep desire, for more than I felt was possible. I dared to expect the unexpected and it didn’t come to pass. I was disappointed and quite honestly I was crushed. It has been only a few days since I found out and I have felt a number of emotions and now I purpose to continue doing what I know to do; to continue to breathe in and out, to continue to find purpose in my life even though my heart truly aches inside my chest. I am crushed, but I cannot let myself be broken. I want to withdraw and quit, but that isn’t an option. For some reason the Lord made me a fighter and I will continue to fight, it just may take a day or so to get back in the fight.

We can avoid disappointment if we want. When we don’t dream we are never let down. When we don’t risk life becomes a rut. When we don’t expect we are never disappointed. When we don’t hope life becomes hopeless.

Yes, I will dare again.